Feathering an Empty Nest

Recently a lot of readers have been asking me questions about feathering an empty nest. Whether their children are about to leave home to travel, for university, college, or a job, finding yourself again after the children of off into the world can be a challenging time in the life of a parent.

We need to acknowledge that it is a huge change when your children leave home. For those with more than one child, the process may feel more gradual but I do not think that necessarily makes it any easier. Of course, some people are excited about the possibilities and opportunities that an empty nest offers, however most have some reservations about this new period in their lives.

It is much harder to ignore the passage of time as your children begin to leave home. There is bound to be sadness, a sense of time moving far too quickly, maybe even a fear of the ageing process. For single parents, the thought of living alone for the first time in many years can be even more daunting.

However this time can also offer opportunities to change your life in a positive way, maybe even doing things that might not have been possible when your children were living with you. Of course, my husband and I will always look back fondly on our son’s childhood and occasionally pine for the old days. However, as we grew into our life as a couple once again, being empty nesters definitely added a new dimension to our lives, both separately and together.

My Experience Feathering An Empty Nest

When our son flew the nest to go to college in Canada, I was incredibly worried he would never come back to live in the UK again. It helped that we were able to visit with him frequently, however we still had long periods of separation. Even then, I found the experience was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it was very positive on the whole, especially as he did indeed return to the UK. In fact he lived with us for 18 month until he was offered a promotion and moved to his own flat. That was over eight years ago now.

Here are my experienced-based tips to help you cope with the changes an empty nest can bring.

Tips For Feathering Your Empty Nest

Try Not To Overthink Things

It is very easy to spend hours thinking about the day your kids are actually going to move, but this is seriously counter-productive. I had visions of being in floods of tears when we left our son in Canada, but actually it was okay. I wasted a lot of time thinking about what might happen, but while our parting was emotional, I definitely did not fall apart. As time went on, of course my husband and I missed our son, but the discomfort of this was actually much more manageable than we expected.

Pat Yourself On The Back

You raised another human successfully, to the point they can now look after themselves. Your grown up child is about to strike out on their own in the big, wide world and you helped get them ready to do it.

Take a moment to revel in that sense of accomplishment. While your child’s success is ultimately dependent on them, knowing you have brought them up so they are ready to strike out on their own can be very satisfying.

Think Of Feathering An Empty Nest As A Fresh Start

An empty nest is a great catalyst to reinvention. Often our children love us so much as we are, it can encourage us to stay in a rut. Starting anew can open us to possibilities that we might not have had time to notice before. We can try new things without worrying about how it will impact our grown up children or what they will think. Remember all those things you were going to do “when the kids grow up” or “one day”? Well one day is now!

Whether you are part of a couple or a single parent, you may also find raising your child(ren) has given you more confidence and trust in yourself. We grow up with our children, and grow into ourselves as we raise them. Explore how raising your children has made you a more well rounded individual and allow that to help you to grow.

If you are part of a couple, you may notice your experience raising your child(ren) has made the connection between you richer.

Seek Help If You Need It

For some, empty nest syndrome can cause grief, loneliness, anxiety or a lack of purpose. This is perfectly normal. However if the feelings persist, it’s important to seek help before they become overwhelming. Share how you are feeling with family and friends and never hesitate to speak to a professional therapist or coach to help you through the changes you are experiencing.

Spend Some Time Finding Yourself Again

Finding yourself again after grown up children leave home is challenging. After years of looking after our families and raising our kids, many of us tie our self-worth up in what we do for other people and forget we have a worth all our own. I explore ways of finding yourself again after your kids leave home in this article , which includes more practical tips and inspiration for feathering an empty nest.

Take Your Time To Choose Your Next Steps

Do not allow societal or family pressures to force you to make changes too quickly. Unless there is an economic or geographical necessity, there’s no need to move house or downsize straight away. We still have no plans to downsize, even eight years later, and that’s perfectly fine.

Equally, take your time when deciding to redecorate or repurpose your grown up child’s bedroom, unless you actually need more space. It can be traumatic for family members to see what they may still perceive as their space being changed. It is your home and you should have it as you wish, but take a little time to allow everyone – including you – to adjust before you turn the room into a guest room, craft room or den.

It was always our intention to leave our son’s bedroom as it was, but after a few years, we redecorated it in consultation with him and his partner. Even then, it took some time for us all to adjust to this physical manifestation of the changes in our family life. To avoid any distress, upset or hurt feelings, I always recommend discussing any changes to a young person’s space in the family home, taking their opinions into consideration and giving everyone time to adjust to the idea of them.

Look To The Future

If your children have recently ‘flown the nest’ or are about to in the near future, fear not. It is a big change, but not a negative one. Be patient with yourself, embrace a positive attitude and harness you sense of adventure. If you give yourself time and a little tender loving care, you may well be amazed at just how full an empty nest can be.