Finding Yourself Again In The Empty Nest Phase

Finding yourself again in an empty nest after grown up children leave home is challenging. After years of looking after our families and raising our kids, many of us have tied our self-worth up in what we do for other people and have forgotten we have a worth all our own.

It’s not surprising. After years of limiting or even putting our dreams on hold to help nurture the dreams of others, they may now seem completely out of reach. Worse, many people struggle with a real sense of loss. They mourn not only the presence of their children in the home, but also the time in their lives that has now passed. There is an element of fear around ageing that becomes much harder to ignore when you find yourself in an empty nest.

An empty nest may come as a shock if you are the parent of an only child. You drop your grown up child off at university or they move to their first home and boom, everything changes in period of hours. If you have more than one child there may be a slower progression to a totally empty nest. However, while some may find this comforting, for others the idea is like a sword of Damocles hanging over their head.

Finding yourself again after your children leave home is made even harder for most women, because an empty nest often occurs around the time they are experiencing peri-menopause or menopause itself. Contending with the physical and mental aspects of this huge life change alongside of an empty nest may feel overwhelming.

Finding Yourself Again – Enjoying the Journey

I have experienced empty nest syndrome personally and have also spoken to many other parents about it. Readers have reached out to me about finding themselves again as well. Needless to say, the experience of empty nest syndrome is different for everyone, and it seems to be experienced as profoundly by those who have careers outside the home as by those who are housewives and stay at home mums or dads.

So how do you go about finding yourself again in the midst of all the emotional chaos? It can be challenging, but it isn’t insurmountable. In fact, I have found that this time in our lives can be hugely invigorating, a chance to reinvent ourselves for another chapter. Life beyond the empty nest can be as exciting, fulfilling and joyful as it was before, albeit in different ways. Here are some gentle, uplifting ways to help you with finding yourself again in an empty nest.

Finding Yourself Again In An Empty Nest – Top Tips

Reconnecting With Yourself Is The Best Way Of Finding Yourself Again

A big part of finding yourself again means getting back in touch with your hopes and dreams. If you have held on to your dreams tightly, it may be quite easy to start thinking about bringing them back to life. However, it may be that time and experience have made you reconsider what you really want. Some people reported that even if there were no impediments and they could do absolutely anything, they were really not sure exactly what it was they would like to do.

If you are feeling lost, choose an age you remember fondly. It should be a time when you were starting to form ideas and opinions about who you were and what you wanted to do. For many of us, this is somewhere between 10 and 12, but chose an age that resonates with you. Make a list of the things you used to love to do. Is there anything – or a variation thereof – you might like to try doing again? It can definitely help with finding yourself again.

For example, author and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin writes of spending hours with her “blank books” when she was a child. She filled them with quotations and pictures of things that resonated with her – and these blank books were definitely part of her journey to becoming the author she is today.

Reconnect With Other People In Your Life

This is a wonderful time to reconnect with old friends. We are often so busy with our children that the other important people in our lives can feel neglected. Finding those people and inviting them back into your empty nest can be part of finding yourself again. Over the last few years, I have reached out to friends I had lost touch with, many of whom are in a similar situation. A few friends have moved on and it was painful to discover this, however there are many who have been very happy to reconnect.

Whether you experienced an empty nest abruptly or it is happening slowly over time, reaching out is an important part of finding yourself again. If there are activities you used to enjoy such as a team sport, class, or shared hobby, see if any your old friends are still involved or are interested in taking the activity up again. Inviting someone to do this can be a great way to start a conversation if you have been out of touch for some time.

Reconnect with Your Partner If You Have One

It can also be a real joy to reconnect with your partner if you have one. Spending uninterrupted time together can be a lot of fun and benefit your relationship. If there is a shared hobby you have always wanted to take up, now is definitely the time.

Nevertheless, do not be alarmed if there are some tensions around an empty nest. Change of any kind is unsettling and you are both finding yourself again. Added to this, while women often find it easier to discuss how they are feeling, men tend to bottle things up, struggling to express their feelings about how the change is affecting them or fearing to appear sentimental or weak. Of course, there is nothing sentimental or weak about expressing your feelings, but it is hard to fight years of conditioning. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you settle into this new phase of your relationship. After the first few weeks, the bittersweet emotions and tensions my husband and I felt began to ease as our empty nest allowed us to rediscover ourselves as a couple.

For more on adjusting to life without children at home, whether as a single parent or a couple, please see my article, Feathering An Empty Nest.

Finding Yourself Again By Excavating Your Authentic Self

If your inner child isn’t coming out to play, or you don’t have fond memories of your childhood, finding yourself again may present extra challenges. One way to get around this is to sit down with a notebook, a pen, and a cup of your favourite beverage to do some excavation into your authentic self. Sarah Ban Breathnach explores this concept in depth in her book Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self (affiliate link). These are some of the ideas from Sarah’s book that I used when I was finding myself again.

First, write down what you are most passionate about. What do you love to do that doesn’t feel like work? For example, when I sit down to write, hours disappear without my even realising it. Going through old recipes, documents, and photographs researching my family food history for the cookbook I am writing has a similar effect, as does curling up with a really good book, travelling somewhere new, or exploring a historic stately home or castle. Once you start listing the things you love, it all begins to come together. How can you do more of those things?

Next, write down the things you would do if there were no limits, no budgets, no time constraints, or challenges with location. Acknowledging your wildest dreams may well help open the doors for you to make a version of them happen in your life. Now is definitely the time to finally write the book you have been talking about for years, start the business, study a new language, painting or pottery, learn to sew, take a garden design course, or fulfil another long held dream. To paraphrase Rainer Maria Rilke “You are never too old and it is never too late.” Consider making a vision board to keep your goals, dreams and aspirations front of mind and go for it!

Do What You Want To Do

Inspired by (not-always-so) well meaning comments, many of the housewives and stay-at-home mums and dads I spoke to felt compelled to “fill their time”. The question, “What will you do with yourself now the children have left home?” can definitely make anyone feel uneasy. However, anyone who has ever looked after a home knows that there is more than enough to fill your time with or without children. Yet you may suddenly find yourself under pressure from family and friends to get a job or otherwise fill the (non-existent) empty hours they assume you are left with when the kids leave home.

In the course of my research I heard variations on, “I feel no desire to go out to work, but am convinced I ought to” many, many times. In almost every case, this was from stay-at-home mums and dads who did not need to contribute to the family budget. In the words of one reader, “It’s like being a housewife and remaining a housewife isn’t enough.” If you love homemaking and family finances allow, then please enjoy doing the things you love to do. It is no one else’s business what you do with your time.

Don’t Let Anyone Should On You

Parents who work outside the home may feel pressured to take the next steps with their career and go for a promotion now that they have no children living at home. While it may be a great opportunity to do this, be sure it is what you really want to do, not just what you feel you should do.

On the other hand, some parents I have spoken to have felt pressured to retire, and this has happened to my husband and I as well. This can be very unsettling, especially as many people now have no desire or plan to ever retire completely. Remember, no one else truly knows your situation or your aspirations. While there should of course be an option to retire at a reasonable age, there should be no universal age at which we should feel compelled to retire.

Never allow others to pressure you into making choices you do not really want just because it is ‘the done thing’. When it comes to navigating an empty nest, it is incredibly important that act in the way that suits you best.

Reframe the Situation

Instead of thinking about your nest being empty, think about it as evolving. This is a period of growth for both you and your children. Another angle is to think of this period as a a time of ‘re-feathering’ , ‘season two’, or ‘parenthood, the sequel’. Use phraseology that resonates with you and makes you feel uplifted and encouraged. After all, how can the nest actually be empty? You still live there!!

Author Gretchen Rubin has adopted the “open door” metaphor, with the idea that family members are leaving and returning. Even if they never return to live, most young people definitely enjoy a visit home. In our case our son moved to Canada to study about 15 years ago. This was empty nest stage one. When he completed his studies he returned to live at home with us in the UK for just under two years. Empty next phase two occurred when our son accepted a job offer over a hundred miles away and moved out on a permanent basis. That was over ten years ago and not only do we still see lots of our son, he now also has a lovely partner who has become like a daughter to us. The evolving nest definitely has benefits!

Know You Are Enough

We all have a worth of our own that is in no way related to anything we do. People are always keen to give advice and tell others what to do, but no one else can possibly know what brings you the most joy. What is fulfilling for other people may not be fulfilling for you and that is perfectly okay. Whatever you choose to do, you are enough.

An empty nest is a beginning, not an ending, and finding yourself again during this time can definitely be the start of something amazing. Enjoy the process of figuring out how you want this next chapter of your life to unfold!

More Lifestyle Posts You May Enjoy

Be Kind To Yourself

Why It’s Important To Take Time Out and How To Do It

You Are Beautiful Just As You Are

Being a Housewife in the 21st Century