It’s time to step off the battlefield and stop the battle with your inner critic. We often feel like we have to fight against our minds in order to live the way we want. This is far less effective than we think, and can leave us feeling depleted and disappointed with ourselves because we have not ‘conquered’ our ‘positive mindset’.
There is another way. You can stop the fighting.
In this guest post by Clare Sutton, we’ll discover how we can work with our minds instead of against them to bring more ease, peace and agency into our lives. Clare is an accredited coach who uses scientifically based approaches to help people build a better relationship with their mind, so they can live the rich and fulfilling life they want. She works with clients particularly around business mindset, confidence and life coaching.
Disclosure: I have not been paid to share this post. I had a free, no obligation taster session with Clare and was so impressed by what I learned I asked her to write a guest post for the blog.
Over to you, Clare!
How To Stop The Battle With Your Inner Critic
Do you ever feel that, no matter how well your life is going, that there is always a constant voice in your head putting a dampener on things? Do any of the following sound familiar?
You are doing your absolute best to take care of family and friends, but the voice of ‘It’s not enough, you should be doing more! ‘ crops up.
You have a passion project that you are longing to turn into a reality, but the voice of ‘you are not good enough’ or ‘you can’t pull this off’ starts taunting you.
You want to spend more time taking care of your own needs and wellbeing, but guilty feelings of ‘I’m being selfish’ start whispering in your ear.
And all these inner voices and thoughts get in the way of your enjoyment of the moment and hinder you from living the way you really want to.
I totally feel you, and you are absolutely not alone in this.
So how do we manage these inner voices or thoughts?
To get rid of the pesky critical voices we may try…
Ignoring or suppressing them, pushing them under the rug
Analysing them – ‘Where did they come from? Why do I think like this?’
Drowning them out with positive thoughts.
Arguing with them – ‘I’m not going to listen to you because…’
Proving them wrong by gathering evidence against them
Avoiding any action that triggers them to get louder
Bullying ourselves – ‘you should know better than this now!’
Have you tried any of these approaches? How do they work for you? Sometimes they can work in the short-term, but very often they are neither sustainable nor effective in the long run.
These methods come from the idea that it is ‘unacceptable’ to have these thoughts and feelings and they must be eradicated. It creates a self-punishing and critical atmosphere.
It is so important to remember you are human! Having these kinds of challenging voices, thoughts and feelings is a completely natural part of the human experience.
Our mind has evolved to have the primary function of keeping us safe and alive. To do this our mind tells us all kinds of stories to try to keep us protected and safe, especially when it perceives some kind of risk or vulnerability.
Our minds are incredibly well-meaning, but they have not fully caught up to the world in which we live now. This means our brains may tell us something very helpful to keep us safe, like “don’t cross the road now because that car is going too fast’ but they may also tell us things that are unhelpful for us such as ‘you’re not good enough to do that’.
What Can We Learn From This?
- Our minds are well meaning, although sometimes misplaced with their stories.
- We can’t take everything our mind says seriously. It’s a safety mechanism, not a fact.
- We can learn to filter. We can identify what is helpful for us to listen to and what is not.
So how can we learn to filter our thoughts and take back control from our inner critic to stop it running the show?
Stop The Battle With Your Inner Critic – A New Way Forward
This method is not about fighting against these thoughts, this is a deeply compassionate approach to accepting our humanness, whilst living the way we really want to.
Three Areas We Can Build Practical Skills To Achieve This
The Skill of Acceptance and Self-Compassion
We can build our acceptance that challenging and difficult thoughts are part of living a rich and full life. Just as we experience joy, safety, gratitude, and love, we also experience fear, doubt, and stress. We experience a whole range of emotions, and they are intrinsically interlinked.
When it comes to learning to stop the battle with your inner critic, the skill is to learn to approach our thoughts and feelings without judgement. No thought or feeling is inherently good or bad, it just is. We can choose how we would like to respond to it.
This does not mean we have to like our inner critic. We can still find it difficult and uncomfortable, but we can build the skill of being able to handle these feelings with care and compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and self-compassion you would offer a dear friend and allow yourself time to process your emotions without pressure.
The Skill of Connecting To The Present Moment
Our inner critic loves to take us away from the reality of the present moment. How often have you ruminated on something that happened in the past or worried about something in the future?
Building the skill of being aware of what is actually happening in the moment is a huge support to counteracting those thoughts pulling us out of now and will definitely help you to stop the battle with your inner critic. One really useful question to ask yourself when those thoughts of worry or doubt crop up is ‘How helpful is this thought for me right now?’ This question helps you to be curious about this thought without judgement. It creates space for you to choose whether to pay attention to this thought or not. Notice the question is not ‘How true is this thought?’ – we do not want to get into another debate with our inner critic!
Another skill to help you is to turn your attention elsewhere.
The Skill of Taking Values-Based Action
We can control our actions far more than we can control our thoughts. By learning the skill to refocus our energy and attention on taking action in line with our values, the more attention is shifted away from the struggle against our minds, and the more we can actually live the life we want.
Take some time to get really clear on what is truly important and meaningful in your life. Then you can ask yourself ‘What actions can I take that will move me closer to what truly matters to me?’ and commit to taking these actions, even when your inner critic starts calling.
This skills-based approach is backed by an extensive amount of scientific research and is the core premise of Acceptance and Commitment Theory. This approach offers practical exercises and tools that can help you build those mind muscles, so that you will be able to notice your inner critical thoughts and accept their presence, whist having control to choose your actions so you can live the life you really want.
Thank You, Clare!
Thank you for sharing this guest post with us today, Clare! I hope some of the techniques Clare has shared will be helpful for you. If you would like to know more, please do get in touch with Clare by using the links below.
Do You Want To Learn More About How To Stop the Battle With Your Inner Critic?
Clare has supported many clients using this method to create truly transformational mindset change. If you are interested in finding out how coaching may support you through this process, you can get in touch with Clare by email, book a free exploration call, visit Clare’s website or check out her free upcoming workshop.
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